Trigger Warning – Pregnancy Loss
I had a good cry last night. I didn’t even know I needed it until one of my clients asked me how I was doing. I told her that some days are better than others but I’ve had a few rough ones in a row now. She gave me permission to cry and I didn’t even know I needed it until she did. Because as much as I want to count my many blessings and make it a practice to often, sometimes life is hard. And it has been hard lately.
My work is going great. I feel like I’ve found what I need to be doing with my life and it is great to be able to throw myself into something so completely and watch the fruits of my labour bloom in the form of the stronger, happier, healthier women I am helping. It is a light during this time and one I am so thankful for.
My relationship with my body is the most dysfunctional it has been in years. Everything I have done to show it that I love it has fallen to the wayside. I am angry at it, and I have to get over it. For the first time in a long time I am not treating it with love and it needs to stop. I know how to stop punishing myself and I have the tools but I don’t think I want to. That feels dark. And true. It’s such a negative cycle to be in and one I don’t fancy starting over again in my life. One foot in front of the other Amber. Come on.
Mentally I’m struggling. I had hoped at the start of my miscarriage I would bounce back fairly quickly, but it’s taken far more out of me than I imagined. I am still bleeding. It’s been three weeks and starting to feel like postpartum healing, which I guess it is in a way. The thought is not comforting. I guess I just hope that when I’m no longer reminded every time I go to the bathroom that I can start letting go of some of the pain. I hope it is over soon. It’s been a while since I’ve taken an abnormal psych class but I believe the clinical definition for depression is more sad days than not for 3 months in a row or longer. It hasn’t been as long since I’ve been depressed (I had the blues pretty bad after the birth of my son), and I can feel myself slipping. Depression is so much different as a parent. When living with it before I would just sleep all the time and fold into myself. There is no time for that folding now and I am thankful for that but at the end of the day I don’t feel like I have the energy I need to heal myself. Yet another bad cycle that I am dipping my toe into again lately that I’m not crazy about. I need to exercise to have energy and I need energy to exercise. One foot in front of the other Amber. Come on.
By far the most painful part of this experience has been helping my daughter process the loss. She understood immediately and we had a really heart wrenching cry together. I feel so incredibly selfish for not waiting to share the news with her until I knew all was ok. I know deep down that it is important for her to know why I am feeling like this now, but it just hurts so fucking much to feel her disappointment and sadness on top of my own. Apparently I needed a few good cries today as well.
I’m hoping that writing this all out and acknowledging it will help. I’m sorry it’s a departure from the usual Amber you see but yesterday a friend commented on an old photo I shared that he missed me and it got me thinking; I miss me too. Rather than faking it I decided to face it today.
Thanks for reading.
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9 Comments
Claudine Dale
January 7, 2015This is something that SO many women go through, but it is rarely talked about it.
Carrie
October 9, 2014I have to say Amber that even in your darkest hour you are still an inspiration. I can honestly say I’ve never suffered the loss of a pregnancy but I have suffered the loss of myself. While reading this I found myself thinking that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling these past few years. I feel like I’ve been treading water and sinking half the time. Recently I took time for myself and realized all I can do is swim. So I’ve been swimming slowly and found that I’ve found what I want to do with my life and it starts with me. I know there are going to be bad days which are slowly turning into bad moments. Sometimes I realize I enjoy those bad moments, I find they give me perspective and allow me to enjoy the good moments more. So let us honor ourselves NOT just in the good but in the bad which allow us to grow into the women we long to be. My prayers are with you and yours.
Amber
October 10, 2014Thank you so much for the lovely comment and sharing your own message of growth and healing through acceptance. You have inspired me too Carrie. Thank you. <3
Tannis
October 9, 2014I cried with you today Amber. I am so sorry for your loss. Loss comes in many forms and I am dealing with loss in my own life and seeing the loss in my children’s faces and hearts while we venture this path to new. It is a battle most days but simple things like you sharing today make me hopeful. I wish you all the strength to heal.
Amber
October 10, 2014Thank you so much for reaching out Tannis. I’ve been reading your Facebook updates and wondering about your struggles. So sorry to hear about your sadness. If you ever need to talk please send me a message. ❤️
Alexandra
October 9, 2014My heart breaks for you. This isn’t easy. Ever. My biggest struggle was learning to trust my body again. I didn’t understand how My body could do this to me; to something I cherished so much. I remember that I had a struggle once the bleeding stopped bc in a weird kind of way it was over. Totally. Everyone went on with their daily life and I had this hole. I had taken a million pregnancy tests (it was our first babe) and destroyed every single one – I think I drove over about 3 of them. Then one day I chose to name the baby. I didn’t share it with anyone. I named this child I would nenevr meet, mourned the loss and allowed myself to cry. As I became pregnant with our next 3 children fear lingered in my mind. I refused to allow fear to steal the joy of this pregnancy. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I wish you joy amongst your pain. I’m happy to hear your not rushing or pushing this. Allowing yourself to go at your own pace is Perfect. Your doing everything perfectly. Hugs
Angie
October 9, 2014I understand how doing something as routine as going to the bathroom can send fresh waves of sorrow through your heart, or how suddenly it seems you see pregnant women everywhere. Trying to put on a brave face seems like what you’re supposed to do but it’s hard when a part of you withers and you wonder if you’re ever going to be the same. I think it’s important to feel as you do and be ok with it so it’s less likely to hit you out of nowhere in the future. Kudos to you for being your authentic self and please know that others are sending peace to you in this storm and hippie sunshine finds its way back to you soon!
Angie
October 9, 2014Hope*
Amber
October 10, 2014Thank you Angie. ❤️