Sparkle and Shine

OK, let’s talk about my decision to attempt a fitness competition in October 2014.  In a bikini.  Where the competition is based solely on how I look in a bikini.  I must be fucking crazy right?  See that’s a trick question, because if you’ve been following my page for a while you’ve probably already determined that yes, I am in fact crazy.  And for many people, especially people who have been on a weight loss journey, the idea of standing in front of ANYONE let alone judges in a tiny piece of sparkly fabric that passes for swimwear in some locale far more exotic than northern Alberta, well my friends, that’s the definition of hell to some folks.  The stuff of nightmares.  Not so appealing for most.  By the way, I’ve fit into the “OHGODPLEASEANYTHINGBUTASWIMSUIT” category for YEARS at this point in my life.  Even when I was young and had a beautiful figure I wasn’t comfortable in a swimsuit.  Instead of spending time feeling sad for that girl 15 years ago who had no idea how beautiful she was I’ve decided to take back the swimsuit now.  In front of people.  In heels.  Oh yes!

So what has changed?  Well, me I guess.  I’m done with the self loathing, fearing my reflection, beating myself up over perceived flaws that may or may not even exist thing.  I don’t want to punish myself, or hide my body anymore.  Nope, this is me changing, ALL of me is CHANGING and I want to push myself further than ever before and celebrate the amazing things that this body can accomplish.  How do I get there?  By lifting things up and putting them down, and by cooking delicious and healthy food.  Two things I love to do.  Sweet.

My trainer has competed in bikini, and pulls no punches about it.  She warned me that the competition scene itself is quite political so I shouldn’t set my sights too high on placing.  When I read that I laughed out loud because in all my plotting and deciding to do this, placing NEVER ONCE even crossed my mind!  I know I am being judged (that’s kind of the point right?) but that is such a small period of time in the whole journey that I haven’t really given it much thought at this point.  To be frank I’m not even sure this 35 year old body of mine will be into showing off a six pack ever, so if I do all this work: the building of the muscles and then the cutting of the fat and end up with saggy skin and stretch marks and don’t feel confident enough to actually make it to the stage, well, so be it.  I still win because I will still have the muscle and be in the best shape of my life, right?  Don’t think I’m being defeatist here, I’m not, I’m just trying to be realistic and set my expectations from a genuine place.  Yes, the competition is the milestone but the body is the goal and I look forward to building it just as much as I look forward to my beautiful, orange, sparkly bikini.

This is what I’ve done in the first 7 months of my journey, can’t wait to see what the next 7 brings!


1 Comment

  • CaliMom1

    March 7, 2014

    Love your spirit and this article! At 38 years old, I’ve found out that I’m much less fearful of showing off my skin that I was when I was younger. It may not be perfect, but its getting pretty damn good!
    Good luck to you in this process and keep us updated on your progress.
    (BTW, found your website on Fit Bitch’s fb page)