Six Months Progress

This last week was the 6 month mark since starting my weight loss journey.  I expected to feel more accomplished.  I had hoped to feel proud.  But for the most part I just felt sad.  It caught me off guard that reaching the 6 month mark would be bittersweet for so many reasons.  Acknowledging I was there also meant acknowledging that I had rarely stayed with a program like this for so long.  I’ve been battling poor self esteem and the bad habits that reinforced it for YEARS.  It also meant acknowledging that yes, I’ve been working my ass off for six months, oooh, ahhh.  But wow, I had done so much damage in the years leading up to it that even after 6 months of work I still have so far to go.  I know I should be happy that I can say “I lost 50lbs” but honestly I’m still ashamed that I had it to lose in the first place.  Sometimes I look at things from the wrong way, from the angle that hurts me and makes me feel bad.  Sometimes I recognize that I’m doing it but I do it anyway.

Confession:  I still feel like I’m spinning my wheels when it comes to this whole Rural Rebel Mama thing these days.  Posting the weekly progress shots on facebook is taking its toll.  People are always so kind but really, if I actually want my words to mean more than my thighs I need to stop posting pictures of my thighs, don’t I?  The thought of it is actually slightly depressing, because my engagement is so much higher on the days that I put it all out there and I know when I stop my numbers will dive and there is nothing I can do about it.  I’m not supposed to care about it but I do.  And the true frustration and fear comes from not being confident that I have worthy words in the first place.  If the pictures stop will people stop reading too?  I wanted to be an ambassador for WLR because I immediately saw potential to finally live the healthy life I wanted and maybe, just maybe, to find an audience for my voice.  Imagine my surprise to find people to talk to but find myself with little confidence to say much of anything.  It’s a bit of a catch 22 – I get burnt out on talking about myself, often, but I’m not an expert in anything BUT myself right now and I don’t want to lead people astray with well meaning-but-ultimately-shitty, unprofessional advice.  Around and around I go.

Anyway, onto the nitty gritty about what 6 months lifting and eating intuitively has done for me:

1. I’m learning that I LOVE to lift weights and am stronger that I thought
2. Made me crave tattoos
3. Forced me to examine my past in a way I never have before
4. Allowed me to meet some AMAZING people
5. 50.4lbs of fat and about 28 inches gone FOREVER
6. Gave me the confidence to not only wear shorts, but to take photos and post them on the internet – BANANAS

There are a million other things too, but that is where I will stop today.  Thanks for reading!