A big part of a good fitness program is wading through the shit that led you to this exact moment in the first place. I’ve done some of that work, but clearly, there is more to be done. One of the most surprising parts of my journey has been the realization that I am an emotional eater, and that I use poor food choices as a way to shove down the things I don’t want to feel or admit.` I took for granted the commonly held misconception that overweight people are heavy because they are lazy or slovenly. Of course I got big by not moving enough and eating too much, but as I’m learning, it was only part of the picture. A bigger influence in my road to unhealthy is the WHY of my tendency to over eat and under move and as it turns out, the why has less to do with “I’m lazy” and more to do with “I’m trying to do it all and feel like I’m failing miserably at everything”. Huh.
I posted new progress pictures on my Facebook yesterday as I typically do on Tuesdays. I pre-ambled the post with a status update about how my progress had slowed down in the last month, which is to be expected this far into my journey and yadda yadda. But honestly? That is bullshit. Granted, a slow down at this point would be easy to explain in that way – but I live here and I know damn well that I’ve been phoning it in this month. My diet? On track about 60% of the time. Exercise? Touch and go, and averaging more days where I don’t work out than days I do right now. My energy is down, my mood is depressed, my house is a mess and it’s all reinforcing a bad cycle of garbage food and too little movement. I haven’t been writing nearly as much either, I try to stay pretty positive on my pages and I just haven’t been feeling that way. I want to inspire people to believe that they can make positive changes in their own lives and I haven’t been living it myself lately so I’ve been blocked. I made the choice today to start talking about what is going on.
I don’t want to make excuses. The fact is I’ve been making a lot more excuses than I have eggs lately and it’s a problem. But I have noticed that the longer my husband is away, the crazier I feel and the worse I treat myself. I get comments from family and my friends like “I don’t know how you do it man, it must be so hard.” I usually reply with some bullshit about being used to it by now after so many years but the truth is IT IS HARD. Sometimes it is REALLY HARD, and it has become infinitely harder with 2 kids. I want to be able to do it all (and all of it really well, by the way) but I just can’t right now. I feel scattered, disconnected (from myself and my goals), and frustrated. However, in this giant pile of crap I’ve been surrounding myself with this month I have found a silver lining, of course. Because if I’ve learned anything on this journey so far it is that by doing this, by ADMITTING OUT LOUD that I am afraid, and imperfect, and human, and fucking up, I am able to own it. I can chew it up and spit it out and move on. So that is exactly what I intend to do here: move on. I’m going back to the basics, focusing on the food first. Because fuelling myself for both physical and mental health is KEY in my continued success. I need to eat properly to support my activity goals so that’s my job for the week: to feed myself in a way that honours me. Sounds simple, right?
I would love to hear from you about your own mental health this week, please comment and let me know how you are doing! As always, thanks for reading.
xo Amber
12 Comments
Judy
October 11, 2013I hate to hear that you are going through such a tough stressful time Amber, but I am glad that you have found the strength to vent about it to your online family. I have been going through a rough week because I look at myself in the mirror and all I see it Fat! I know I should really feel good about what I have accomplished so far but that little voice keeps rearing its ugly head and turning me to the “darkside”, snacking to be exact. I will weigh myself tomorrow, do my measurements (like you do weakly with your pictures)and take my bi-monthy picture but I feel apprehensive. We are all part of a crazy messed up family here on-line but then what family doesn’t have it’s struggles, and like family we stand together to fight the fight and in the end reap the benefits of unconditional love. I wish I could give you a great big hug and say that everything will be all right, but since we are in two different provinces I will say this “We will get through this together and be stronger for it because we are BADASS women on a journey”
Amber
October 17, 2013Thank you so much for the lovely comment Judy! I’m embarrassed to admit that I didn’t realize that there are a bunch of comments on my blog (still getting used to the new site), so I apologize for my tardy response! Thanks for the virtual hug!!
Ingrid Garnett
October 11, 2013Amber,
You are truly amazing, courageous and honest. I have been sucked into the WLR site and your and Dan’s page. I wonder if I put myself out there like the two of you, would I be more successful? Do I not do that or make a bunch of posts so that I am not accountable to anyone else but me? And trust me, I’m a pushover! I don’t know the answer. I think it’s part of the struggle and shame that I don’t want to admit to myself just how far I’ve let myself go or how difficult it’s going to be get back to a happy place. Sorry, I’ve ranted on about me. I saw your post a few hours before I read your blog. I thought, uh oh! What’s wrong ? Your post makes all of the sense in the world. You are normal! It sucks that we eat to hide our emotions. I stress eat, too. I think you’re doing the right thing. Start fresh. I don’t know if this makes you feel any better or not, but just having you out there for us to talk to is helpful. So, please take pride in that! And if you stumble, we’re here to pick you back up. Just like you do for us!,
Amber
October 17, 2013Thank you so much for the comment and support Ingrid! Sorry I took so long to reply, I just found these on my new site now! As you and I have discussed, if you are thinking that maybe starting a page or blog about your own journey will help push you forward I say do it! You’ve already got a knack for talking to people online! 🙂
Kate
October 11, 2013I can totally relate. My husband is a pilot and is never home. With 2 kids and a full time job, food became what I thought to be my only source of comfort. I ran to it when I was stressed, I ran to it when I was lonely. Shit, I was stressed and lonely ALL the damn time. So I got fat…which led to unhealthy choices, depression, you name it. Recently I got back in track and am taking control of my life. I am over feeling bad about myself and funneling every ounce of my being towards getting back control. Control of my thoughts, my actions, my diet, you name it. It is so hard every day but I am determined. I know you can do it too. We got this shit!! You are looking awesome by the way, don’t give up!!
Amber
October 17, 2013Thank you so much for sharing Kate! Sorry it took me a week to get back to you, I had no idea I had any comments sitting here, bear with me as I get more familiar with my new site. I wonder if our husbands have ever crossed paths on their flights? It’s a small world after all. 🙂
Tara
October 10, 2013I cannot tell you what it means to hear another mother struggling to do it all & to do it all perfectly. I am on your journey too & hearing it from you was like I was saying it myself. Sometimes I just feel like if I can’t do it all awesome, then I’m not doing anything, and as you say, it snowballs from there & I lose sight of the small things that I am doing that actually are awesome. You wrote this entry! Check for a victory! When you eat one good meal, check for a victory. Sometimes I think when we experience success (as you clearly have) we forget how difficult those small victories were at the beginning of our journey an we forget to celebrate them as they are in fact, still victories!! I know it’s easy to say & hard to do, but give yourself a break momma! Focus in on your small victories and soon you’ll find that you weren’t that far off track. Most importantly ( and this is purely selfish), keep sharing your journey. Please. It’s doing wonders for many people!
Amber
October 17, 2013I’m so sorry it took me so long to get back to this comment! I had no idea anyone had commented on this blog at all and I missed a bunch! Definitely need to get used to my new site, so bear with me! Thank you for the lovely comment and awesome advice! It is important to celebrate the small things because they are what add up to the big changes! Thanks for the perspective! 🙂
Adriana wiebe
October 10, 2013I have to say first off, the reason I’m so drawn to you & read your blog, emails and posts is because you’re real. Your a mom (such as myself) and you’re doing the best you can (I like to believe), you’re so relatable and I love that. So for me you are inspiring! You look incredible and I know it didn’t happen for you overnight or w/ a consecutive nights of full sleep but YOU achived that!!!! I know in 2012 when life was kicking my ass and I couldn’t do anything about it except eat I did, I acknowledged it, I deal w/ the consequences of it and I accept it. It is what it is. I never knew what feeling like a failure was until I had my little girl and tried to be the mom who could do it all, and I only have one. It’s easy for me to say you’re doing the best you can and chin up cause it will get better but life stress, not getting wngough sleep, giving so much to so many is wearing. Just know from here, just outside of edm, you inspire me and I thank you for putting yourself out there. Here’s to going back to the basics and a new day tomorrow!
Amber
October 17, 2013You are awesome Adriana, thank you so much! The week since I wrote this has been better! Not perfect, but better for sure. 🙂
Amanda
October 10, 2013Wow, thanks for the honesty! I am going through the same. The pressure of social media, especially having a page that is tracking such an intense journey, can really be a burden when you are struggling because you feel like you have to put on the show or your credibility goes out the window. SO not the case. Doing what you just did is what makes you REAL to your fans, it’s what makes you inspiring, and relatable because face it, we are all human! And I hear you on having hubby gone and how that can really negatively impact you. We as woman need that comfort and touch of our partners, and not getting it can literally snowball into a giant ball of feeling like/eating like/looking like crap. Chin up sweetie, this is the first step and the support you will get from your loyal fans will help pull you through!
Amber
October 10, 2013Thank you so much for this comment Amanda! You made me cry! I feel very blessed that anyone gives a crap about my crap. THANK YOU!