Loss

I find myself once again amazed and inspired by the kindness and compassion of family, friends, and strangers alike.  Between my personal and public facebook pages, nearly 300 people reached out to offer their condolences, shoulders, stories, love, and prayers this last week while my husband and I learn to cope with the loss of our pregnancy.  I read all your messages, shed tears with some of you, and can feel your love radiating our way still.  Thank you, so much.

The brain-body connection is one I’ve have taken for granted most of my life, but have really come to appreciate this last year, and especially through this experience.  When we learned on Tuesday that my pregnancy had stopped progressing nearly 4 weeks earlier, I was angry.  So very angry that babe had passed yet my body was still holding on.  I felt betrayed.  Not just because I lost babe, but because my body had failed to recognize the loss and do what it was supposed to do.  Late Tuesday evening I started bleeding lightly.  By the time I was in to see my doctor Wednesday it was getting heavier, and I was relieved to hear him say he was confident my body was taking care of itself.  No medication needed.  No surgery needed.  My relief was palpable.  It seems as though as soon as my brain accepted that the pregnancy was gone, the rest of my body caught up.

Last evening I started losing a lot of blood quickly, at such an alarming and shocking amount and speed that I headed to the hospital after talking to a health nurse on the phone for a few minutes.  I will spare you the details of my hospital visit, as it was fairly traumatic and quite frankly, disgusting.  I don’t think I was fully prepared for what had to happen with this process, but am relieved that the physical part of this ordeal is nearly behind us.  I suspect the emotional healing will take a great deal longer but truthfully, I believe I am coping fairly well.  I’ve been “ripping off bandaids” all over my social media accounts, deleting pictures and deleting my accounts on the baby sites.  I’m not trying to pretend this pregnancy never happened, but I felt like I needed to prevent some painful and unexpected reminders.

As I said before, the support I have received through this experience from my family and friends and people who connect with me through my facebook page has been nothing short of incredible to me.  Most of the medical professionals who have helped me have been exceptionally compassionate and kind.  I’ve been counting my many blessings in this life, and am overwhelmed by the love and support I have.  I don’t feel like I will be able to thank you enough, but know I will try.