Self Talk

Two entries in one day what?  Unfortunately I felt that this topic deserved an entry of its own, and I imagine it will actually be the first of many that talk about this.  What compelling and engaging topic could I possibly feel warrants this much attention you ask?  Self talk.  Sexy huh?  Not really but its something I am really struggling with these days.  Because try as I might to skirt around the issue, I am fat.  There, I said it.  I’m fat and I loathe my body and I hate that I look this way and some days it’s all I can do to not crawl right out of this fucking skin and hide in a vat of ice cream and peanut butter.  I’m not going to be too self depreciating and I’m not going to justify the state of my affairs with lengthy explanations and reasoning as to why I got here.  Everyone has a story and to be honest mine isn’t that interesting, or at least I don’t think the “why I got fat” part of who I am and why I’m here is.  It comes down to not taking proper care of myself, emotionally or physically, for too long.

I’m eight weeks into my journey today.  I haven’t measured myself or tracked any progress in a week.  I’m not planning to right now either, because I know from living in my own head that I feel bad enough about myself right now.  I have pictures on facebook from my weekend away showing the world what I look like, I don’t need those numbers to make me feel any worse.  And trying as hard as I can I can’t help but look around and compare myself to everyone I see.  I’m heavier than most and that hurts.  I’ve done it to myself and that hurts even more.  It kind of makes me feel sick to be honest.  I HATE THIS!  You know, everyone says that the first step toward this kind of change is the hardest but I don’t believe it.  The hardest part for me has been every second after I made the choice to change, until that ever elusive point when I will feel good again.  This in between part is tough.  And even though I know that I have done things I should be proud of and that I need to be gentle with myself I still am just not kind to me.  I’m working on it though.

So yeah, I’m doing something about it.  Because although one might look at me and think “lazy’ or whatever else, you may come to learn that I am a doer.  I want to be better.  I always want to be better.  I’m not afraid of work, and I’m not afraid of things that may be hard.  Is this going to be a problem down the road?  Will I know when I have reached my goals?  Will I ever feel “better” enough?  I don’t know.  I do know that I strive to continue learning throughout my life and when I stop learning new things I hope to be ready to die.  I hope that this translates to my fitness journey as well, that I will continue to learn new things and to push myself for the rest of my life.  Because holy fuck, do I not ever want to look like, or talk to myself, the way I do right now.

 

6 Comments

  • Amber

    September 16, 2013

    You know Melissa, since I wrote that blog I have been a lot more conscious about being nicer to myself. It’s not always easy but it is getting SO MUCH BETTER! I still have days that I get down on myself or want this process to be faster but I’m still moving forward and that is starting to do wonders for my self esteem!

  • Melissa Frost

    September 16, 2013

    Oh man…Do I ever feel ya here!!! I look forward to reading more about this b/c I need to work on it as well. UGH!

  • Anonymous

    July 4, 2013

    Thank you so much for your brutal honesty today, this is definately what I needed to hear. I started my journey about a month ago (eat better, excercise more, learn to love what I have) and as you said above, the start was not the hardest part for me either, it has been every day that followed. I have not had children but I have abused my body for over 20 years and it was reading Meg’s facebook posts (and now yours) that have helped me really take a look at what I have been doing wrong all these years. To read about your struggles and realize I am not the only person who thinks they are fat,is very comforting and somewhat empowering because I have seen your pictures and realize that it is possible and that this journey will be long and will be difficult…but in the end totally worth it!!!! I love to hear about the struggles you go through and the things that have helped you along the way because I gain strength from your thoughts. Keep up the good work Amber, you ROCK!!!

    • Amber

      July 12, 2013

      I thought I responded to this comment last week! I apologize, a lovely comment like that deserves a thank you at the very least. I appreciate you reaching out to me so much, I feel very lucky to be able to inspire you. I hope you have had an excellent week!

  • Anonymous

    July 3, 2013

    Amber,
    I read your post and it was like i wrote it myself. Unfortunately this is a daily if not hourly struggle for myself as well. After having my second baby it has been a constant struggle to lose the weight. However even when i did lose the weight with my first, its never been enough. The constant negativity I have for my body is unreal, unhealthy, and not the way I want to live my life. We as women should be so proud of what our bodies can do and it seems like we are the worst to each other and mostly ourselves. I know exactly how you feel and to be honest I have no advice to give you. I just wanted you to know that your not alone. I know you from previous years and i hope you know how beautiful you were then and are now – NO MATTER what that damn scale says. Keep up the great work and I’m so excited to follow you on your journey. 🙂

    • Amber

      July 3, 2013

      Thank you so much for reaching out and writing that. After I pushed send I wondered if I had said too much, as I often do. Your comment reassured me that even though the things I have to say are ugly and don’t portray me in the most positive light they are very real and need to be said so that I can just let go of them. One of the great things about this program is the way it is feeding my emotional health. Because the self hatred and low self worth are at the root of this problem and until I work through that I think I will just keep yoyoing. Thank you for reading and your comment!